Libraries are so, like, lame

Satire written by Caitlyn Tanner

Have you found yourself with extra time during the summer months? Are you looking for a way to fill those endless hours? If this sounds like you, then I would like to offer you a suggestion: DON’T visit your local library.

Firstly, libraries are boring places full of dusty old books and stereotypical old women who will shush you every time you make a noise. They’re not places for children to learn and play through a variety of activities like Craft Club, Summer in the Park, Baby & Me, and It’s Elementary. There definitely aren’t any toys available in the Children’s Room for kids of all ages to play with either. The library has nothing for children, so steer clear of it if you find yourself with bored kiddos.

Furthermore, the library is completely devoid of events for adults. If you’re looking for engaging activities like a Fiber Circle, monthly author visits, or free movies (including refreshments), look somewhere other than the library. And don’t even think about hosting your own events in the library’s Spartan Room; they require you to fill out an online form with, like, a billion questions, and even then, they’ll only supply you with tables, chairs, and presentation equipment. (Did I mention that reservations are no charge? Nothing is “free” anymore!)

The library claims to offer a variety of “great” online services too, but they’re so boring. Like, who would want to check out e-books through Libby or stream movies through Hoopla? And don’t even bother trying to learn a new language through MANGO; it’s a total waste of time. You’re much better off spending the day at the nearest overpriced leisure site than trying to find meaningful entertainment through your local library.

There will be people who claim that the library is “cool,” “fun,” “a good value,” “family friendly,” or “an overall neat place,” but don’t let them fool you. Those individuals have almost certainly been brainwashed by evil librarians who need their support to keep the lights on and the doors unlocked six days a week. If the public wants the library to be replaced with something more worthwhile, like a pay-by-the-hour parking lot, then spend your extra summertime hours somewhere far away from the library.