What if…the Olympians went to Hogwarts?
Anybody worth their ten cents among the fans of J.K. Rowling’s Wizarding World knows their own Hogwarts House as well as the qualities and attributes associated with each one. It is also common knowledge among Greek Mythology buffs that the Gods of Olympus were a very diverse and multifaceted bunch with their own unique dominions and personifications. With both of those in mind, let us explore this imaginary scenario where we sort Greek Gods into the various Hogwarts Houses!
We’ll start off with the main man himself: Zeus. Some might say the obvious choice is Gryffindor given his regal nature and mighty courage, however, I would argue that his brutal ambition, megalomania, and unforgiving nature make him better suited for Slytherin.
I couldn’t bear to tear the royal couple apart, so Hera is a Slytherin as well. But truly, she exemplifies many Slytherin traits including but not limited to vanity, conceit, cunningness, and a wickedly short temper.
Poseidon has had dark moments just like his siblings above, but he is generally depicted as being more righteous and honorable. Additionally, he is shown to be fiercely protective of his domain and for that, I’m putting him in Gryffindor.
The affinity Hufflepuffs have for good and tilled earth is second only to that of halflings. As the goddess of growing things, Demeter is an obvious choice for the badger house.
As one of the most complex and multidimensional gods, Hermes shows signs that he could potentially belong in any of the four houses. However, his craftiness, wit, and ingenuity made me think of him as a Ravenclaw.
Athena is obviously a Ravenclaw, no contest. Moving on.
While it is not unheard of for twins to be placed in separate houses (looking at you, Padma and Parvati Patil), I think Apollo and Artemis share enough of the same attributes to land them both in Gryffindor. They are both adventurous, daring, and fearless.
Hufflepuffs are best known for their kind hearts, but they also possess a strong work ethic and dedication to their craft. For this, I think Hephaestus fits in nicely here.
Earlier I called Hera vain, but she looks modest next to Aphrodite. Aphrodite’s selfishness, pride, and manipulative nature make her a clear candidate for Slytherin as well.
There are quite a lot of Slytherins in this list, with Ares rounding it off at four. I don’t think it’s too far-fetched to place the god of blood lust in the house with the highest number of dark wizards.
Finally, we have come to the one good egg of this royally messed up family with Hestia. Her warmth, gentility, and genuine compassion are comparable to that of Helga Hufflepuff herself.
So, to tally the total, that leaves us with four Slytherins, three Gryffindors, three Hufflepuffs, and two Ravenclaws. It is unfortunate that, amongst the beings responsible for running the cosmos, deviousness is favored over intelligence.
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